How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Just this preview of the story is enough
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you