I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.