Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!