I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
You Might Also Like
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
this is the best interaction on twitter
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.