I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe