Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.