Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“I FIXED IT!”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.