It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
The dark side of Canada
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine