[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.