FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
some cats are just doing for fun!
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935