1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
You Might Also Like
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
my favorite genre of twitter
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message