Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Goat cheese is for herders.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.