[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
i wish i could marry a nap
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: