Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.