A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
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Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
how long have you had this for?
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance