If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
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Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy