Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I support this random dude and all his protests
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor