Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
You Might Also Like
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where鈥檚 Waldo.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn鈥檛 ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I鈥檓 being bullied by the air.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 馃檨
When a couple I鈥檓 friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won鈥檛 ask to sleep on my couch.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
sry
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it鈥檚 suddenly the most interesting book.
my tattoos don鈥檛 make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
4: mama you鈥檙e a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you鈥檙e round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.