Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?