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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
the world’s most popular steaming services
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf