Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
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I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside