“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go