[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
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I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!