Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
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“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
is this meant to deter me
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
lol
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.