I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
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I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going