The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
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humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
reviewed some movies recently
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.