Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
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Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
me irl
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy