ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
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I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part