Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
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I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
The biggest mystery of our time
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.