Me when my alarm goes off
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No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Get in loser we’re going crying
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
when nothing goes right… go left
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.