I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
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My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
those birds must be on payroll
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I’m going to need a moment here.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup