*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework