Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.