[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
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Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
hmmm
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.