him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
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I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
S O O N
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.