Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
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Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
This was a bad idea all around
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human