*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it