[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
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I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
the icebreaker
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD