Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.