Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”