This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”