I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”