Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
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why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.