My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
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*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Legend 🤣🤣
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.