Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
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ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
🚲+physics = winner
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?