Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”