Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
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Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
This is my brand.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I don’t get marriage