A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
79.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
c’mon!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
True.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.