there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.