Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
You Might Also Like
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.